I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize