hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
