When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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