I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What happened to fro yo and sex?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
