So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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