So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize