Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
