Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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