Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
