I think I am morally bankrupt
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
