remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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