Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
