I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
