Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
