Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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