So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
