How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize