Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
