she woke up with a sticky ear
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
