1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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