I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
