You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
