That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
