I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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