Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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