you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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