Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
