guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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