Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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