uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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