She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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