I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
