I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
