Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize