If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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