I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I could fuck to npr.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize