Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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