i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have already put on my inside pants.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
