Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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