There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
