Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
