My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
