No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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