Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize