i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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