Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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