Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
