All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
