Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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