I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
