I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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