one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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