if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
