I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
