life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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