my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
