you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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